#Middlebury
Insights for Constructive Living
by PAT IANNUZZI
Our personal sensitivity has to do with both how we respond to the needs of others and how we react to their feelings about us. Sensitivity is a key factor in building strong and productive personal connections. An appropriate level of sensitivity to the wants and desires of others is essential for developing healthy relationships as it demonstrates interest and caring. But personal sensitivity also pertains to how we react to what others say to and about us, and it is usually demonstrated by how much we listen to and accept what they say.
I think that it’s fair to say we would all like to think of ourselves as being open to criticism. Intuitively, we all want to improve, and feedback from others is one of the most effective ways to do this. For constructive criticism to work for us, however, we must be receptive to it. How nice it would be if we could always accept criticism gracefully and gratefully.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. The main reason why is that the feedback we get, whether within a structured format, in random conversations or even indirectly from others, can sometimes be a painful surprise, even if it is offered gently and with the best of intentions.
Problems can arise if we become too sensitive to others’ feedback. When we’re excessively sensitive to critical feedback, we can over-react and respond in an irrational and unreasoned manner. We can allow ourselves to become hurt by it, especially if it is in the form of an unexpected, offhand remark.
Very sensitive people usually respond more intensely to feedback than less sensitive people and are often characterized as thin-skinned. The result is that they may try to avoid the source of such criticism in the future or change their behavior just to please others. They can wind up letting other people define who they are and what they should do instead of trusting their own knowledge. Worse yet, they can become resentful and defensive or have their self-esteem damaged.
It can be difficult to determine a suitable level of sensitivity to someone’s feedback. A good rule of thumb is to consider the source. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand what he or she is feeling and attempting to communicate. Determine if the feedback is genuine and well-intentioned.
Considering what you know to be true about yourself, assess how accurate the feedback might be. Also, focus on what the relationship really means to you and how important it is to maintain it. If a significant level of sensitivity to the feedback is justified, then it’s smart to try to respond appropriately.
Or does the person offering criticism interact with other people this way, not just you? Is it their nature to be critical, to insult, to blame or shame? Do their motives appear to be self-serving? Do they lack basic interpersonal skills that cause them to feel they need to be rude, aggressive, or bullying to be heard or paid attention to? We need to factor in these elements.
When we take things too personally we are giving certain individuals more power over us than they likely deserve. Identify what is truly relevant and brush off what isn’t. Don’t allow yourself to be too sensitive to feedback that is undeserved, insignificant or otherwise unimportant.
Pat Iannuzzi of Symbiont Performance Group, Inc. is a performance consultant, trainer and coach focusing on selling, presentation and interpersonal skills. He lives in Litchfield and can be reached at 860-283-9963 or piannuzzi@symbiontnet.com.
